Smells and Memories

I remember reading how a specific smell can bind with a memory or phase in your life. Whenever you smell that smell it will conjure those memories as well. Is that ever true.

The smell of Hugo Boss cologne reminds me of my friend Russell from high school. He always wore Hugo Boss and was one of my few high school crushes. Whenever I get a whiff of Hugo Boss I suddenly feel very nostalgic.

The smell of Hempz lotion reminds me of another relationship of which I not proud. It takes me back to a dark time in my life when I struggled to get past some things that were incredibly difficult. To this day I hate the smell of that lotion.

The unique smell of coffee and books (read: Barnes & Noble) reminds me of my boyfriend. We’ve spent a lot of time together in bookstores. In fact, when he’s gone (which is quite a bit considering he’s stationed overseas) I don’t like going into bookstores - the smell makes my heart ache a little. 

By accident I learned that the smell of my wet hair and Biolage conditioner sends me back to my days spent in a Florida detox facility. I had been using Biolage products at the time so that’s what my Mom brought me the day after I was admitted to Lakeview Mental Health. I don’t understand why that smell takes me back to my detox days; I’ve used Biolage for years. But it does and with it comes an avalanche of feelings.

When I arrived at Lakeview I hated it and everyone there. I didn’t want to be there. But after six days that place I despised turned into a warm little cocoon of sorts. It was a place to protect me from the outside world…and all the wreckage my addiction had caused. My prison turned into a haven. It helped me sort through the many emotions. It forced me to face those emotions sober – something I hadn’t done in a long time.

That weird smell reminds me I’m different. It reminds me of an awful time in my life when I betrayed all the people I loved the most. It reminds me of the very first time I said out loud “I have a problem.” It reminds me of how my mother dissolved into tears when I looked her in the eye and told her I was a drug addict. It reminds me of how I felt real hope for the first time in a very, very long time.

Most of all, it reminds me of the day I got sober and of the choice I make every day to stay clean. Addiction is an undertow that never completely goes away. And the thing about addiction is that it never ends well because eventually whatever it is that gets you high stops feeling good and starts to hurt.