Chasing the Why

A few weeks after I got clean, my mother began to suggest that perhaps I would benefit from counseling or therapy in order to get to the root of my problem. In essence, she encouraged me to seek help so I could understand why I became addicted to pills. Her advice was well intentioned – she simply wanted me to get better and like so many other people, she assumed there had to be some reason I needed to get high. There had to be a reason her educated, reasonable daughter turned into an opiate addict.

Those in the business of helping others recover from addiction call this “chasing the whys.” They also tell you there isn’t much benefit to be had in trying to pinpoint a reason for one’s addiction. Addicts are highly skilled in denial and diversion. If it were regularly taught in rehab or 12-step meetings that in order for a person to overcome their addiction they must identify all the reasons WHY, many of us would never stay clean. We could get hung up in a blame-game or we could potentially deceive ourselves, preventing or stunting sober living. Another reason chasing those “whys” leads nowhere is because sometimes there simply isn’t a solid reason for the addiction. In rehab I learned that there are two reasons a person takes drugs or drinks: to get high/drunk or to change the way they feel. It’s that simple. So simple that it seems…complex.

My addiction to pills was primarily to change the way I felt. Not only did opiates make me feel better but they often provided the motivation I was lacking to accomplish tasks at work or home. I was WAY more productive when I was riding the high. Opiates often cause feelings of euphoria or well being…it’s no secret why I felt better on them.  I also used pills to help me feel better when I was sad or cranky or tired or whatever. Basically anytime I didn’t like the way I felt, I popped a pill to get back to that place where I felt good.

I have spent a good deal of reflection on my addiction, how it started, and where it led. I gained valuable insights about my habits and triggers. That reflection helped me better understand how my disease progressed and the things that accelerated it. Understanding those things helped me change destructive and/or unhealthy behaviors. But dwelling on the past doesn’t always encourage forward movement. As of this writing I’ve been clean for seven months and nineteen days…and I STILL don’t completely understand WHY I have the disease of addiction. At this point the important fact to remember is I have a disease that I must manage. If I don’t, it will kill me. I urge anyone in the beginning stages of recovery to not worry about why, but make that choice every day to stay clean. Like Dory from Finding Nemo sings, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

Knowing what I now know about my addiction doesn’t change the fact that I have an incurable disease. It doesn’t change the way I deal with daily struggles. This disease doesn’t go away once I stop taking opiates. I’m still in the process of breaking the mental cycle of thinking I need to take a pill to help me get things done, help me feel better, help me sleep, etc. Even after almost eight months of sobriety, often my first instinct sometimes is to reach for … something to help me through.

So don’t chase the whys; just keep swimming! The longer you stay sober the better you will understand your disease and how to manage it. As they say in rehab, if you want to stay clean all you have to do is change everything.