Bittersweet

My six-month mark was September 29^th. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I was there already, when I only had days or a few weeks of sobriety. I wanted to move forward, I wanted to be past all this. I wanted it to be over, because those who have traveled this same road kept telling me it gets easier the longer I stay clean.

Recovery is a gift. But it is a gift I had to work DAMN hard to get. And the part you don’t realize for awhile is that it’s a gift you have to work for each day. It’s something you must intentionally choose each and every day. It gets easier, yes, but I wouldn’t say that after six months this shit is easy. It’s not and I hold no illusion that it ever will be.

In the weeks leading up to my six-month mark I thought I wanted to celebrate. This was a well-earned milestone. But then I found out someone I went through rehab with had relapsed. Not only had he relapsed but I learned that the rehab, the meetings, the contrition, had pretty much been an act to help him avoid jail time. This was his fourth DUI and he was already on probation. We met in rehab and became friends. (It’s kind of hard not to when you spend six hours a day, five days a week for three weeks in a room with a group of drunks and druggies.) I believed his story. I really thought he’d stay sober, but sadly he did not. We stopped talking soon after that.

I was devastated and scared. He and I received the same education in rehab. Why him and not me? How is it that I’m living sober and he isn’t? My intense emotional reaction was exhausting. I felt dirty and terrible. I hated this ugly thing in me that I could barely control. Suddenly the thought of celebrating my six-month mark seemed…sacrilegious, disrespectful. I was humbled and didn’t want to toast my “accomplishment” when I knew of so many others like me who never made it to six months.

September 29^th came and went quietly. I spent the day reflecting. There was no special dinner. I didn’t even go to an NA meeting to get my six-month key tag. I don’t really care about that anymore. I decided to put my efforts into waking up each morning and choosing a sober life. The fact that I have the ability to decide such a thing is a gift. My recovery is a gift; one I will fight to the death to keep. I am thankful I made it to six months, but I never EVER want to visit that milestone again. Once was enough for me.