I want to go back

I found a bunch of old photos last weekend. Pictures of my sister and I when we were kids, pictures of me as a teenager, pictures of our family from years and years ago. Looking at those photos, I so desperately want to go back. I want to go back to those days as a carefree kid. I want to go back to my teenage years and be nicer to my parents.

I want to go back to August 2nd, 1999, the day before a good friend of mine was killed in a car accident, just to tell her how much she meant to me.

I would go back  to when we lived in Hawaii when I was eight year old just to experience my family the way it used to be. The way I used to be. Free. Content. Happy.

I would go  back to my years as a teenager and make better choices. I would cherish my time as a kid, I would be more grateful to my parents who sacrificed so much to give my sister and I a good life.

I just want to go back to being that gawky, skinny kid I used to be and for just one day be her again. Back when life was simple. Back when I didn't have to worry about things like bills and working at a job I hate.

I don't want to be me. I don't want to be here. Some days it takes all that's in me to get out of bed. Some days I don't even  want to live. I feel like I'm living a lie. I'm going through the motions...for what?

I want to go back.

21 Things I've Learned In The Past 3 Weeks.

1. I often take things way too personally.

2. My tolerance (read: gag-factor) for all things disgusting (read: cat vomit, poopy diapers) is decreasing the older I get.

3. If/when I have children, said tolerance level will make for an interesting year. Or twelve.

4. Infidelity is never justified. It's just not. If you don't like it, leave. If you feel obligated to stay, then shut up and make it work.

6. I get bored quickly when shopping for furniture.

7. Shopping with my mom is never a dull experience.

8. Item 6 + item 7 = 4 fantabulous hours with mom at Nebraska Furniture Mart.

9. I heart my new couch. And my awesome leather rug. (Will try to get a picture. It's so cool.)

10. Having a child get super-excited at your arrival, run, and leap into your arms is one of the best feelings ever. And a true hug from said child includes his legs wrapped around you middle.

11. I think we should hug like that more often. But, you know, in a non-sexual way.

12. Dentists aren't always scary. Especially when they prescribe ativan and percocet.

13. I really hate grocery shopping.

14. Without self-tanner, my skin would forever be the color of peeled chicken. (What can I say, I'm Scot-Irish.)

15. Ice cream makes everything better.

16. I do not like clutter.

17. But somehow I'm okay with a messy bathroom.

18. I love living alone. In fact, I like it so much I worry if I'll be okay with "sharing" things like the closet and the bed if I ever get married.

19. I am always amazed at the confidence my friends have in me. They often have more confidence in my abilities than I do. I'm not sure that's the way it should be.

20. Sometimes people are wrong. That's ok. Rumor has it I've been wrong a time or two. Though this rumor has yet to be confirmed.

21. When it's 108 degrees and 99% humidity, the air is so thick it must be chewed before inhaling.

Unconditional

We were having dinner. He had come to the city to help me hang some pictures and set braces for curtain rods. I had promised dinner and we needed to pick up some hooks. Panera was conveniently on the way.

He told me he wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. I quickly looked down at my soup to hide the quick tears that filled my eyes.

How do explain to your father you don't feel like you deserve happiness?

I blinked away tears and looked him in the eyes. "Nothing would bring me more joy than to see you be happy," he said.

" I know, Dad." Happiness is about a million miles away. I'll settle for "not miserable".

"You know your mother and I love you. You are such a  blessing to us. You've made us so proud."

"I know. I love you guys too." It was all I could to not cry into my soup in the middle of the restaurant.

"We just want to see you happy."

"Me too, Dad."

I don't understand how I ended up with my parents. They are wonderful people. One of the few bright spots in my life. I don't deserve them or their unconditional love. I don't understand why they love me so much or do so much for me.

A text from my father later that night said "Enjoyed the evening. I always enjoy spending time with you."

Me too, Dad. I always feel better when I spend time with you.

Always.

Yeah, Me Too...

Have you ever had something troubling you and you wanted to talk about it with someone, but you really wanted them to ask? Which means you basically expect that person to have mind-reading super powers because how the crap are they supposed to know when you've got something on your mind.

Ever started crying and can't for the life of you pin point the reason why?

Do you wonder if other people put up with you and suffer your company simply because they're too nice to tell you to go away?

Do you sometimes wonder if certain people would still be your friend even if you weren't useful or interesting to them anymore?

Have you ever claimed you're not bothered by what others say about you, but secretly you ARE bothered?

Have you ever felt something shift in a relationship and suddenly everything's different? You know it's different and yet you can't figure out why it happened or how to fix it. Have you ever been too afraid to mention it to the other person?

Have you ever scoffed at or made fun of the very thing you secretly want the most? Or been ashamed to admit that thing you so desperately want is the one thing you can't seem to have?

Have you ever wanted to slap someone for complaining about their life when what they have is the very thing you desperately want for yourself?

Have you ever felt ashamed for not being content with what you have? (see above.)

Have you ever been disgusted with another person's actions, only to realize you've done that very same thing?

Have you ever come to a place where you just want to give up? As if everything you do and say is wrong?

Have you ever felt invisible?

Have you ever been so desperate for a change or to feel alive that you've done something incredibly stupid and/or dangerous?

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