They tell you in rehab that your addiction will have lasting effects on everyone you love. You believe them, but you also feel so dedicated to changing your behaviors you can't help but hope your loved ones will see the change in you and forgive.
Sometimes that happens. Sometimes it doesn't.
They tell you that in an effort to "clean up your side of the street" you must own your shit and apologize for whatever part of the mess is yours. They also tell you that it's not your job (as the recovering addict) to help clean up the other person's side of the street. Again, you understand what that means, but sometimes you can't help but try to take on your loved one's problems out of the guilt and shame you feel.
When they tell you not to do that, believe them. You have enough shit on your side of the street, for heaven's sake don't go looking for more. I know from experience you end up making a bigger mess of things.
After I got clean I apologized to those I hurt the most: my parents, my sister, and her husband. I was living with my sister and her family when my addiction reached its boiling point. They forgave me. In fact, at first I didn't lose anyone I loved because of my problem. I was relieved. But just as recovery is a process, so is forgiveness.
Two months after I got clean, it became apparent my sister was resentful, bitter, and angry towards me. I can't blame her - I did terrible things under her roof. But her unwillingness to let things go and forgive (which she has the right to do), drove her to seek her pound of flesh from me. As a result I have lost my relationship with her.
I wish I could say it ended there, but sadly her bitterness has spilled over. She is now aiming her anger towards our mother and has nearly destroyed that relationship too. While I know I can't try to sweep her side of the street, I still feel guilty and shameful that the ripples my addiction caused are reaching my parents' relationship with my sister. My parents, especially my mom, are paying a price for my sins. They could very well pay a higher price than me considering they may not get to see their grandchildren if my sister chooses to sever ties with our parents.
They don't deserve that. They have stood by me, supported me, cheered me on, believed in me, and most shockingly they have begun to trust me again.
It's true what they say about the lasting effects addiction has on the loved ones. That is one of the most painful parts of my recovery right now: seeing with fresh eyes the damage, destruction, and chaos I caused.
I am owning my shit, each and every disgusting turd. But it kills me to watch the ones I love the most have to own it too.
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