1. I often take things way too personally.
2. My tolerance (read: gag-factor) for all things disgusting (read: cat vomit, poopy diapers) is decreasing the older I get.
3. If/when I have children, said tolerance level will make for an interesting year. Or twelve.
4. Infidelity is never justified. It's just not. If you don't like it, leave. If you feel obligated to stay, then shut up and make it work.
6. I get bored quickly when shopping for furniture.
7. Shopping with my mom is never a dull experience.
8. Item 6 + item 7 = 4 fantabulous hours with mom at Nebraska Furniture Mart.
9. I heart my new couch. And my awesome leather rug. (Will try to get a picture. It's so cool.)
10. Having a child get super-excited at your arrival, run, and leap into your arms is one of the best feelings ever. And a true hug from said child includes his legs wrapped around you middle.
11. I think we should hug like that more often. But, you know, in a non-sexual way.
12. Dentists aren't always scary. Especially when they prescribe ativan and percocet.
13. I really hate grocery shopping.
14. Without self-tanner, my skin would forever be the color of peeled chicken. (What can I say, I'm Scot-Irish.)
15. Ice cream makes everything better.
16. I do not like clutter.
17. But somehow I'm okay with a messy bathroom.
18. I love living alone. In fact, I like it so much I worry if I'll be okay with "sharing" things like the closet and the bed if I ever get married.
19. I am always amazed at the confidence my friends have in me. They often have more confidence in my abilities than I do. I'm not sure that's the way it should be.
20. Sometimes people are wrong. That's ok. Rumor has it I've been wrong a time or two. Though this rumor has yet to be confirmed.
21. When it's 108 degrees and 99% humidity, the air is so thick it must be chewed before inhaling.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Unconditional
We were having dinner. He had come to the city to help me hang some pictures and set braces for curtain rods. I had promised dinner and we needed to pick up some hooks. Panera was conveniently on the way.
He told me he wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. I quickly looked down at my soup to hide the quick tears that filled my eyes.
How do explain to your father you don't feel like you deserve happiness?
I blinked away tears and looked him in the eyes. "Nothing would bring me more joy than to see you be happy," he said.
" I know, Dad." Happiness is about a million miles away. I'll settle for "not miserable".
"You know your mother and I love you. You are such a blessing to us. You've made us so proud."
"I know. I love you guys too." It was all I could to not cry into my soup in the middle of the restaurant.
"We just want to see you happy."
"Me too, Dad."
I don't understand how I ended up with my parents. They are wonderful people. One of the few bright spots in my life. I don't deserve them or their unconditional love. I don't understand why they love me so much or do so much for me.
A text from my father later that night said "Enjoyed the evening. I always enjoy spending time with you."
Me too, Dad. I always feel better when I spend time with you.
Always.
He told me he wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. I quickly looked down at my soup to hide the quick tears that filled my eyes.
How do explain to your father you don't feel like you deserve happiness?
I blinked away tears and looked him in the eyes. "Nothing would bring me more joy than to see you be happy," he said.
" I know, Dad." Happiness is about a million miles away. I'll settle for "not miserable".
"You know your mother and I love you. You are such a blessing to us. You've made us so proud."
"I know. I love you guys too." It was all I could to not cry into my soup in the middle of the restaurant.
"We just want to see you happy."
"Me too, Dad."
I don't understand how I ended up with my parents. They are wonderful people. One of the few bright spots in my life. I don't deserve them or their unconditional love. I don't understand why they love me so much or do so much for me.
A text from my father later that night said "Enjoyed the evening. I always enjoy spending time with you."
Me too, Dad. I always feel better when I spend time with you.
Always.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Yeah, Me Too...
Have you ever had something troubling you and you wanted to talk about it with someone, but you really wanted them to ask? Which means you basically expect that person to have mind-reading super powers because how the crap are they supposed to know when you've got something on your mind.
Ever started crying and can't for the life of you pin point the reason why?
Do you wonder if other people put up with you and suffer your company simply because they're too nice to tell you to go away?
Do you sometimes wonder if certain people would still be your friend even if you weren't useful or interesting to them anymore?
Have you ever claimed you're not bothered by what others say about you, but secretly you ARE bothered?
Have you ever felt something shift in a relationship and suddenly everything's different? You know it's different and yet you can't figure out why it happened or how to fix it. Have you ever been too afraid to mention it to the other person?
Have you ever scoffed at or made fun of the very thing you secretly want the most? Or been ashamed to admit that thing you so desperately want is the one thing you can't seem to have?
Have you ever wanted to slap someone for complaining about their life when what they have is the very thing you desperately want for yourself?
Have you ever felt ashamed for not being content with what you have? (see above.)
Have you ever been disgusted with another person's actions, only to realize you've done that very same thing?
Have you ever come to a place where you just want to give up? As if everything you do and say is wrong?
Have you ever felt invisible?
Have you ever been so desperate for a change or to feel alive that you've done something incredibly stupid and/or dangerous?
...
Ever started crying and can't for the life of you pin point the reason why?
Do you wonder if other people put up with you and suffer your company simply because they're too nice to tell you to go away?
Do you sometimes wonder if certain people would still be your friend even if you weren't useful or interesting to them anymore?
Have you ever claimed you're not bothered by what others say about you, but secretly you ARE bothered?
Have you ever felt something shift in a relationship and suddenly everything's different? You know it's different and yet you can't figure out why it happened or how to fix it. Have you ever been too afraid to mention it to the other person?
Have you ever scoffed at or made fun of the very thing you secretly want the most? Or been ashamed to admit that thing you so desperately want is the one thing you can't seem to have?
Have you ever wanted to slap someone for complaining about their life when what they have is the very thing you desperately want for yourself?
Have you ever felt ashamed for not being content with what you have? (see above.)
Have you ever been disgusted with another person's actions, only to realize you've done that very same thing?
Have you ever come to a place where you just want to give up? As if everything you do and say is wrong?
Have you ever felt invisible?
Have you ever been so desperate for a change or to feel alive that you've done something incredibly stupid and/or dangerous?
...
Friday, December 25, 2009
You Are On Our Side
The orphan clings to Your hand singing the song of how he was found.
And the widow rejoices for her oppressor is silenced now.
You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore.
And where You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side.
The runaway falls at your feet; You are what he has searched for.
The rich man is broken when he stands beneath a sky full of stars.
You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore.
And where You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side.
This song, You Are On Our Side, by Bethany Dillon is based on the following scripture:
Psalm 147:2-3 (The Message)
GOD's the one who rebuilds Jerusalem,
who regathers Israel's scattered exiles.
He heals the heartbroken
and bandages their wounds.
He counts the stars
and assigns each a name.
Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
we'll never comprehend what he knows and does.
GOD puts the fallen on their feet again
and pushes the wicked into the ditch.
Rejoice! For our Savior is born!
I hope you and yours have had a wonderful Christmas holiday.
-Heather Leigh
And the widow rejoices for her oppressor is silenced now.
You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore.
And where You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side.
The runaway falls at your feet; You are what he has searched for.
The rich man is broken when he stands beneath a sky full of stars.
You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor
You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore.
And where You could just be silent and leave us here to die
Still You sent Your Son for us
You are on our side.
This song, You Are On Our Side, by Bethany Dillon is based on the following scripture:
Psalm 147:2-3 (The Message)
GOD's the one who rebuilds Jerusalem,
who regathers Israel's scattered exiles.
He heals the heartbroken
and bandages their wounds.
He counts the stars
and assigns each a name.
Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
we'll never comprehend what he knows and does.
GOD puts the fallen on their feet again
and pushes the wicked into the ditch.
Rejoice! For our Savior is born!
I hope you and yours have had a wonderful Christmas holiday.
-Heather Leigh
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Risk Vs. Outcome
Sometimes it is the element of risk that makes the experience meaningful.
That statement is so true. It speaks to the significance of risk, the thrill of the gamble, that moment of suspense where you’re waiting to see what’s going to happen.
However, I wonder how many people would still agree with that statement if the gamble they took, so to speak, ended badly for them. I’ll be honest, when things don’t go my way, I have feelings of regret and disappointment. Sometimes those feelings are combined with rejection, be it perceived or real.
Is the risk still meaningful even if the result is failure?
I can think of one time (in the not so recent past) in which the risk made the experience meaningful, even though things ended badly for me. The temporary shock of rejection quickly gave way to strong revelations about the kind of person I was. Sure it was painful, but I learned important lessons. Like how I should always trust my instincts. That blood really is thicker than water. And how I should (and will) never apologize for who I am.
I learned that just because one person doesn’t like who I am, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m the bad guy.
But let’s be honest: Risk without gain is kinda crappy. Risk that ends in failure IS crappy, even when you factor in valuable lessons learned, if any.
It leads me to this question:
Is it so bad to want to know the outcome before I make the investment and/or take the risk?
Would the investment mean the same thing if I knew, going into it, that it was a sure thing?
I don’t know.
I can tell you the suspense, the not knowing, the hanging around in limbo-land, sucks. It’s awful. You can’t really do anything, so you think. And think some more. And after that, guess what? You think a little bit more. There’s a term my friend and I use to describe this kind of thinking whilst dwelling in limbo-land. We call it mind-fuck.
Harsh. Certainly crass. But very, very true.
As your brain makes its feeble attempts to run through every possibility, every permutation, your emotions and desires unavoidably steer your mind to dwell on the outcome you wish for the most.
Thus begins the mind-fuck cycle.
Wait. Think. Hope. Think. Beg. Think. Promise. Think. Threaten. Think.
None of which has any effect on the outcome because there’s nothing you can actually do.
The funny thing is, if I knew the outcome before I made the investment (or took the risk), hypothetically the hanging-in-suspense part would disappear. It would simply be an inconvenient waiting period before achieving the known outcome.
That brings me back to the question I had earlier: without the suspense, without the risk, without some personal effort, would I still value the outcome? Or is it the blood, sweat, and tears? Is the journey what it’s really about?
I don’t know.
That statement is so true. It speaks to the significance of risk, the thrill of the gamble, that moment of suspense where you’re waiting to see what’s going to happen.
However, I wonder how many people would still agree with that statement if the gamble they took, so to speak, ended badly for them. I’ll be honest, when things don’t go my way, I have feelings of regret and disappointment. Sometimes those feelings are combined with rejection, be it perceived or real.
Is the risk still meaningful even if the result is failure?
I can think of one time (in the not so recent past) in which the risk made the experience meaningful, even though things ended badly for me. The temporary shock of rejection quickly gave way to strong revelations about the kind of person I was. Sure it was painful, but I learned important lessons. Like how I should always trust my instincts. That blood really is thicker than water. And how I should (and will) never apologize for who I am.
I learned that just because one person doesn’t like who I am, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m the bad guy.
But let’s be honest: Risk without gain is kinda crappy. Risk that ends in failure IS crappy, even when you factor in valuable lessons learned, if any.
It leads me to this question:
Is it so bad to want to know the outcome before I make the investment and/or take the risk?
Would the investment mean the same thing if I knew, going into it, that it was a sure thing?
I don’t know.
I can tell you the suspense, the not knowing, the hanging around in limbo-land, sucks. It’s awful. You can’t really do anything, so you think. And think some more. And after that, guess what? You think a little bit more. There’s a term my friend and I use to describe this kind of thinking whilst dwelling in limbo-land. We call it mind-fuck.
Harsh. Certainly crass. But very, very true.
As your brain makes its feeble attempts to run through every possibility, every permutation, your emotions and desires unavoidably steer your mind to dwell on the outcome you wish for the most.
Thus begins the mind-fuck cycle.
Wait. Think. Hope. Think. Beg. Think. Promise. Think. Threaten. Think.
None of which has any effect on the outcome because there’s nothing you can actually do.
The funny thing is, if I knew the outcome before I made the investment (or took the risk), hypothetically the hanging-in-suspense part would disappear. It would simply be an inconvenient waiting period before achieving the known outcome.
That brings me back to the question I had earlier: without the suspense, without the risk, without some personal effort, would I still value the outcome? Or is it the blood, sweat, and tears? Is the journey what it’s really about?
I don’t know.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Things I May or May Not Have Said
“With your looks, your personality should be beaming.”
“I’m ready for my blankie and my baba.”
“Rolling your eyes is NOT an acceptable form of arguing.”
“I hope someone gets eaten by a shark soon.”
"The department of homeland security is making a mockery of the starfleet alert system!"
“My desire to take advantage of this situation is overwhelming.”
“This feels like a test.”
“I miss my pants.”
“Just do your thing. You know, skank it up a bit.”
“Keep your standards highs and your expectations low.”
“I am immune to charm. At least, that’s the official party line.”
"Here in Canada we have a special program to deal with the homeless. It's called 'winter.'"
"We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of smart."
"I used to feel bad about pirating music, then I watched MTV's Cribs."
"I just need to hit someone."
"Man, you just pushed the geek meter right off the scale with the combined MS bash and LOTR reference."
"I want them to commit seppuki when they lose on Iron Chef."
"You know you're a geek when you run your webcam software to see what you look like instead of going to the bathroom mirror."
"They are my family and I love them. That's why I can't part with them for less than $20."
"Clearly FFX-2 is not a game I'll be able to play with my pants on."
"A alphabetically be in organized sentence should words."
"Intelligence is alcohol soluble."
"Are you sure you like boys?"
"You look a lot different with your clothes on."
"Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic."
"Two polar bears andthree four seals."
"I use AOL because it's free."
"So is gum stuck to chairs."
"There are two theories when it comes to arguing with women. Neither one works."
While discussing Smokey the Bear commercials:
"If an anthromorphic bear in a pair of jeans and one of those ranger hats comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did".
"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver."
"I don't like you. And if I met your mom I probably wouldn't like her either."
"When you pull the pin from Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend."
"I love my new computer. More than my girlfriend."
“I’m ready for my blankie and my baba.”
“Rolling your eyes is NOT an acceptable form of arguing.”
“I hope someone gets eaten by a shark soon.”
"The department of homeland security is making a mockery of the starfleet alert system!"
“My desire to take advantage of this situation is overwhelming.”
“This feels like a test.”
“I miss my pants.”
“Just do your thing. You know, skank it up a bit.”
“Keep your standards highs and your expectations low.”
“I am immune to charm. At least, that’s the official party line.”
"Here in Canada we have a special program to deal with the homeless. It's called 'winter.'"
"We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of smart."
"I used to feel bad about pirating music, then I watched MTV's Cribs."
"I just need to hit someone."
"Man, you just pushed the geek meter right off the scale with the combined MS bash and LOTR reference."
"I want them to commit seppuki when they lose on Iron Chef."
"You know you're a geek when you run your webcam software to see what you look like instead of going to the bathroom mirror."
"They are my family and I love them. That's why I can't part with them for less than $20."
"Clearly FFX-2 is not a game I'll be able to play with my pants on."
"A alphabetically be in organized sentence should words."
"Intelligence is alcohol soluble."
"Are you sure you like boys?"
"You look a lot different with your clothes on."
"Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic."
"Two polar bears and
"I use AOL because it's free."
"So is gum stuck to chairs."
"There are two theories when it comes to arguing with women. Neither one works."
While discussing Smokey the Bear commercials:
"If an anthromorphic bear in a pair of jeans and one of those ranger hats comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did".
"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver."
"I don't like you. And if I met your mom I probably wouldn't like her either."
"When you pull the pin from Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend."
"I love my new computer. More than my girlfriend."
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Morally Questionable Muffins
I was at the grocery store with my Mom this afternoon. She was looking at packages of freshly baked muffins in packages of four. She was fussing because they didn't have any packages with assorted flavors. Mom looked at me and asked, "Where are the loose muffins?"
I paused. It was just too easy. I replied, "Why would you want slutty muffins?"
Mom rolled her eyes, muttered something about how I was turning into my father, and walked off with a package of muffins.
I paused. It was just too easy. I replied, "Why would you want slutty muffins?"
Mom rolled her eyes, muttered something about how I was turning into my father, and walked off with a package of muffins.
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